gaile's Cancer Blog
November 24, 2008
| This Week's Drama... | Views: 449 |
Wow, I am getting better at posting more often. If I don’t, at the rate I am going with my news and complaints, if I don’t keep up with it I will never post again. So here goes. Yesterday, Sunday, I was so sick, fever, cough, very short of breath and weak. I had been weak, tired, and SOB (short of breath) for several months due to my low red blood counts, but things were much worse. I had my blood counts checked last Monday and they were low, I received platelets, but wasn’t quite low enough in the red cell department to get a blood transfusion. Well, yesterday I expected I had met the criteria. Since I had labs, a doc appointment, and treatment scheduled for today, I didn’t call my doc yesterday, just waited. Well, I was right. I couldn’t receive my chemo as my red cells were so low. My white count was up so I was obviously fighting an infection, and I had gained 14 pounds of fluid. So, antibiotics, two units of blood, and huge doses of diuretics, both IV and orally.
The great part of this is I should feel great on Thanksgiving. No chemo this week! A transfusion, which makes me feel so energetic. And getting off some of this water weight. Who knows, maybe I can fit into something other than a sweat suit. It should be wonderful.
Here comes the ugly part. As you know, my husband is not reliable, thus my 19 year old daughter is taking care of me. Which has made him feel rejected and unloved. While she and I were stuck at the cancer center for 8 hours today, I called my husband and asked him to pick up my new antibiotic prescription so we wouldn’t have to stop on the way home. He was waiting for one of his tires to be patched and said he was so happy that I called him to ask for his help and he would so ANYTHING for me. So just as soon as he was finished at the tire place he would go get the things I needed. I told him I had two new prescriptions, one I needed tonight, and I needed bananas and oranges to keep my potassium up while I was on so many diuretics. He made me wait on the phone while he made a list so he wouldn’t forget anything. He asked me to spell the names of my prescriptions so he could be sure they were correct. I thanked him for getting the antibiotic so I could start it immediately as my doc was so concerned that I had to wait all day to get it started. He said “No problem!” and he was so happy to help.
So when we got home this evening I asked him where he had put my prescriptions. He said, “What prescriptions?” I reminded him of our conversation, his list, his excitement to help. He looked at me blindly. He said he didn’t remember any of it. He was already in his PJs and could hardly stay awake (it was 7:00 PM). He said he’d go in the morning and get them. I mentioned that it was important that I get my antibiotic right away…
Anyway, you get the picture. This is exactly why he is no longer responsible for my care. Yesterday when I was so sick that I couldn’t get myself to the bathroom, every time I told him a serious symptom I had, he would brush it off and leave the room, twice he went to walk the dog. He has been so hurt by the fact that I don’t trust him to care for me. He begs me to let him care for me, but he can’t handle it. I have even told him that if he is overwhelmed or scared that it is okay to admit it and let other people do it. He hates everyone else (except our daughter) who helps to care for me (my brother and my best friend). He may be jealous that they can handle it and feeling guilty that he can’t. I have tried to be understanding of his position that his wife is dying and he might be scared. But here I am, dependent. I need someone who I can trust, this is for my very life for goodness sakes. He drinks, or not, either way he doesn’t care for me consistently, and when he chooses to, he gets crazy and over does it, looking and acting the fool.
So no more enabling him. I can’t afford to. Either step up, or step away. This is not about him, though he has always played everything in our 24 year marriage as if it is ALL about him. He still promises to stop drinking, but can’t. He refuses to get help as he is convinced he can do it alone. After all he has stopped on his own hundreds of times. He lies about drinking. Every time I make him face it in any way he threatens that he had (note “had”) seriously considered suicide, old news, not effective, he thinks it takes the focus back to how he is the victim poor baby. He thinks it removes his responsibility.
I have been trying to teach him to pay the bills himself and finally had to just refuse to pay any more bills. He said he would. They pile up for 3-4 weeks. It makes me crazy. He keeps items out that he doesn’t know how to handle, then nags me that I have to come downstairs and help him. Why can’t he bring them upstairs and just ask? So now it will be my fault if whatever he hasn’t taken care of is late or incorrect. And on and on. This is true in every aspect of our lives.
Okay, I am purged. Cleansed, through complaining. Thanks all. You are a great sponge, sopping up my ugly spills. I everyone else in my life is wonderful, EVERYONE! So, my difficult husband could be multiplied by many difficult people. I know that is true for so many people. So I am blessed. Thank goodness I have so many other people to draw from. Many people are not so blessed. I am better now, I have regained my perspective, and if I hadn’t had this forum to which to pour out my self pity, I wouldn’t be in this new better place. So thank you again, and again.
Chemo may be a week from today if all is well. Wish me luck because it may be helping, I’ll know on Wednesday.
Love to you all. HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Be sure to over eat. I plan on it.
Gaile
Thanks for your support -
I am so thankful that you have all those wonderful people around to help you through such difficult journey.
I have seen other spouses react like your husband. Almost as if they think they will vanish if the focus shifts from them onto someone else, regardless of the reason. Of course this is immature and selfish, but I have seen it. As best as you are able keep doing what your doing and leave taking care of him to him. As you put it, no more enabling.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving and be blessed
Mac
Dear Gaile,
I, too, am so glad that you have so many loving people taking care of you. It is a good decision to stop enabling your husband. It’s simply not good for you—you’ve got other things to put your energy into.
I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving and that your treatment next week is successful. I’m praying for you.
Peace,
Kathy
Hi Gaile,
I just want to reach in and give you a big hug! Thank God for the amazing loved ones that are by your side & caring for you, as you should be cared for. You are an incredible lady! I am a better person (& grateful) for having the chance to know you.
I have so many things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving Day. I will definitely be counting my blessings! I hope that you have a blessed Thanksgiving Day.
Love & Hugs,
Monica
P.S. Your daughter sounds like a real gem! I have two pretty amazing kids too. We are blessed beyond measure…
Gaile – you are one strong cookie. I am sorry you have to deal with this but try not to spend any time thinking about it. You need to be selfish and focus on getting better. Good to vent and get it off your chest. Your daughter is an angel. and we are all here cheering you on. Healthy Vibes! Healthy Vibes! Healthy Vibes!
Gaile, I don’t even know what to say. I am so, so sorry for the situation you have to deal with on top of everything else. Thank God for the others in your life…. please stay strong for all the others who love and need you!
Hey Gaile…
Bless your heart…your husband sounds like my ex-husband of 24 years…couldnt take care of himself…I handled just about everything…self centered (everything was fine as long as it was what he wanted) etc., etc. thats why i left his ass…lol. That was almost 10 years ago. Then it was like God put Wes in my life…just to show me what real love and companionship was…even if it was for just a few years.
Anyhow…thank goodness for loving daughters, brothers and best friends!
Have a great turkey day! Celeni
Love Ya!
Gaile:
What a husband! No more enabling. This is your time to be cared for, not the other way around. I had a friend who passed away from cancer. A couple of months before she died, she shared with me that her husband was complaining about having to take her to the doctor so much that he was nearly out of vacation time. Give me a break! I honestly think some people just can’t see past themselves.
I’m glad you’ve got that great daughter to help you out. Plus, she it makes her feel valued knowing she truly is helping.
Enjoy your chemo free week and Thanksgiving!
Scratch that last “she”. I hate making grammar mistakes!
Gaile,
Sorry to hear about your husband. I have my own share of dealing with people with drinking problems, and they can be the most self centered persons in the world. It is time for you to be taken care of right now, not the other way around. I am glad that you have other family members who are loving and taking care of you.
Yuyu
Dear Gaile,
Thank you for welcoming me to the group. I just finished reading your blog, what a journey it has been for you already! I enjoyed reading about your children! I am so happy for your son to be able to study in Japan for some time, he will be able to treasure this experience for the rest of his life.
Just sorry to hear that not all family members are there for you as they should be!
I hope you feel a little better and had a wonderful Thanksgiving.