gaile's Cancer Blog
September 22, 2008
| ...and The Beat Goes On... | Views: 598 |
Dear Friends,
I just read about our losing Wes and can’t seem to hold myself together. Perhaps it is that he and I shared a diagnosis. Perhaps it is that he is the first loss to whom I really felt a connection, through Celeni and her deeply personal stories. I know I have been feeling discouraged lately. I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. When I saw my doc last Monday, before my chemo, she said that since my chemo was destroying my bone marrow and not much help in combating my cancer, maybe we should stop until after my PET scan in a couple of weeks. My brother was with me and we panicked a bit. She said the chemo might be keeping the tumors from growing faster but certainly not shrinking them. So we decided one more time. Well, of course I had my usual side effects of low blood counts, fevers, dehydration. So I spent Thursday afternoon getting IVs to make me better. I will have a repeat brain scan on the 14th to see if the gamma knife radiation worked on my brain tumors.
I had to miss my high school reunion on Saturday. It was going to be very cool. It was a picnic/BBQ for a whole decade of students. I had dear (old) friends who were flying in from all over the country, and planning additional dinners etc. It is a 3 hour drive for me there and back, and that, along with the time spent there would have been too much. Of course my low white count doesn’t help as I would be exposed to too many germs there. I am 56 and have never been to a reunion as I lived all over the country after high school and couldn’t imagine paying for a plane ticket to attend one. But now I am so close.
Oh well. Next weekend I am going to Yosemite for 3 days with my two best friends. We rented a heated cabin with a private bath. I am so excited. Since I can’t hike anymore, we are going to take the trams to tour the sights.
When my husband saw me crying about Wes he asked for the link to this site so he can follow what is going on with me. I went crazy and told him “NO! It is private. It is the only place I can speak openly and honestly. If I knew you (he) were reading this I couldn’t say what is on my mind.” My daughter told me to tell him it would be like reading my diary. Smart kid. I wish he and I had the kind of relationship where we could share and he would be supportive, but alas, we do not, never did. For those of you who have wonderful and supportive spouses and significant others, I hope you value them for you are blessed indeed.
I was sent the following story by my sister-in-law who is a 6 year breast cancer survivor. I had seen it several years ago, perhaps you did too. That was before my diagnosis. It had moved me at the time, but now it means a whole lot more…
NEED WASHING??A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside.
The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just
inside the door of Target.
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day.
I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in
“Mom let’s run through the rain,” she said.
“What?” Mom asked.
“Lets run through the rain!” She repeated.
“No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,” Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated, “Mom, let’s run through the rain.”
“We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said.
“No, we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the young
girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm.
“This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?”
“Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said,
‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!”
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.
Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust can be nurturedso that it will bloom into faith.
“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. Wonderfully they were followed by a few others who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions,
they can take away your money, and they can take away your health.
But no one can ever take away your precious memories… So, don’t forget
to make time and take the opportunities to make memories
everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to
every purpose under heaven.
I hope you still take the time to run through the rain.
Love and prayers to you all, to Wes who no longer struggles to breathe, to Celeni who stood by him so lovingly and courageously, to Mac who speaks for all of us so eloquently, to Weezie who writes from inside my heart and mind (how do you do that?), and Peter, to Jill who brought us all together and is our angel on Earth, to Yuyu, and Joyce, and Kathleen, and Kathy, HAS ANYONE HEARD FROM GEMMA? I am worried about that sweet girl. I think she left an email address some time back. Is anyone in touch with her?
And love and prayers to so many of you, all of you on this site and those who are not who share our journey. There is strength in numbers, yes indeed. Thank you for giving me strength. Gaile
I have attached two photos. One is with my daughter, Colleen (19), at my best friend’s wedding in July. The other is with my son, Bryan (21), on our hotel balcony in Honolulu two weeks ago. It was just before we left for the airport to send him off to Tokyo for 11 months at the University there. He is so happy and doing well, but I do miss him.
Thanks for your support -
Hi Gaile,
I was so blessed because my wonderful, darling, late husband was my biggest supporter. I guess that is why I miss him so much even after 2 years and 4 months. He was terrified that I was going to die before him and he told me so many times that he couldn’t make it if I died first. I guess God knew that too and that is why he took him first.
Yes, I am sure hearing about Wes was a blow to you. I know it just broke my heart for Celeni and for Wes’s family. You know they are in a better place but it doesn’t stop you from hurting and from missing them. When my husband died, I felt like a part of me died that can never be replaced.
I had read the “Need Washing?” story several times but it such a good one I can always enjoy reading it again and again.
I am sorry the chemo is destroying your bone marrow. Even when the chemo helps it always seem to wind up damaging other parts of the body each time you have to take it. I will be waiting to hear the results of your PET scan in 2 weeks. I pray you will get good news there.
Take care, my friend. My love. thoughts and prayers are always with you even when you don’t hear from me.
Hugs, Joyce
Dear Gaile; First, I saw the lovely picture of your daughter and you, (shrimp?), just kidding. Unfortunately the picture of your son is not showing. Just thought you should know, cause I am really wanting to see the hunk. Ok now that I have given you my request, I am here to tell you I have never in my life seen such a heartfelt letter since being on the Blog. I am quite speechless at your caring for so many even though you have your own personal battles that I have followed from the beginning. I do agree, your husband would either get a real kick in the you know what finding out how you feel about his inability to understand what you are going through or he would flip at the thought you could find friends who really care and understand your frustrations with your own personal battle. That he might even feel guilty for not seeing it for himself, having been with you so long but now recognizing your pain. Why is it that some of us can’t communicate with our partners in a way that would have them take the ride too. Well I have thought a lot about that question. We are born alone, die alone and in between we have our friends, partners, religion, work, play time to fill in the gaps. Soooo when something as bad as cancer comes along and whacks us in the face, not only are we as cancer patients in shock, we just don’t know how to express it the way we would like to. Why? Just that, shock, disbelief and by the time we have found a way to control and fight our way through it, we don’t have any energy left to explain it that would make the other partner feel comfortable. Why should they? And you know, I kind of like having that private space for me and me alone. why should I share all my fears with the person I live with…. I need him to be strong for me, so why should we both have the same burdens? I leave the fear factors to my buddies like you and all the BFAC empathizers. It actually saves me from explaining or crying or being depressed. It gives some kind of relief from the fear of it all. There are times when I say to myself, god I’m tired, why doesn’t he just go on his own to do this or that. I just want to be alone. But I also know that I really don’t, so I go and do as much as I can. When I want rest I just disappear to my room, turn on Nancy Grace and bless her strong character. Of course I like Glen Beck too. Well now that I have rambled for so long, I just want to tell you that you are one special gal. Inspiring amidst so much of your own personal challenges. I hope you have the best damn holiday with your gal friends. What better way to spend a weekend. Well, I have 3 best friends coming on Friday the 3rd for dinner and overnight, as I am sending Peter out and away so I can treat my friends to my famour lasagana, garlic bread, salad, some yummied delectibel dessert and copious amounts of wine. then we will get into our jammies and laugh till the sun comes up, sort of. That will likely be about 2am. Still not bad for a bunch of old broads. I can hardly wait. So have a ball my friend, I will be thinking of you.
Weezie
Joyce and Weezie!
Wow, you ladies are right on the ball. My goodness, I just posted and there you both are with the most amazingly supportive and lovely comments. Weezie, your girls weekend sounds wonderful. I love sleepovers. What a great friend you are. Check for my son’s photo again. Joyce sent a comment on it and I can see the picture so I know it’s there. And Yes, he is quite the hunk, if I don’t mind saying myself. Love to you both.
Thank you for the support you sent…you are an amazing woman! Your children are beautiful.
How wonderful that you are going on this girls-only trip! And how perfect that it’s set up to support your feeling your best. I hope you have way too much fun…what happens in Yosemite stays in Yosemite, isn’t that right? Giggle too much, eat too much ice cream, tell too many secrets, cry as much as you want to, and let your friends hold you up for a little while. I wish you the best.
Peace,
Kathy
Sorry it took a while to post this reply, things have been rather hectic.
I am glad you are taking trips and hanging out with the girls. What a blessing it is that you are able to experience this time with your positive and upbeat spirit. I was really shaken when you mentioned that life insurance will pay out early once you are deemed “terminal”. For some reason I found that reality to be very touching. That you would share that with us and allow us to understand that the clock really is ticking, not just for you but for all of us. You have and continue to be such a leader and so open. Thank you.
I wrestle with telling “outsiders” about this place. Like you, this is where I stand without my mask and robes. Here I am me at my most vunerable, scared, alone, mad as hell and praying every moment. I am not sure how anyone would respond, and like you, I NEED a place where I don’t have to consider how a spouse or friend will take my reality. I am sure your husband might gain some insight by coming here but I agree with you that the risk of his response is not worth the hope that he might “get it”.
You might try (if you have not) to explain your reasoning to him. I don’t know. maybe it would help or maybe you have gotten to a point where, as weezie said, you don’t have the steam left to try to explain. Since my diagnosis I have stopped trying to explain and justify my need to do and see and experience. I love, live, survive and demand that life meet me on my terms.
All that aside, men often are clueless! We are trying to learn to feel and understand but mostly we drag our nuckles and beat our chests and wait for one of you hotties to wink at us. When our women are sick we are more like children, scared. Scared that we are losing the most important person in our lives and hopelessly aware that we do not know how to tell you how scared we are…..or how much we love you or how mad we are that you are going. Your husband will spend the reat of his days trying to understand what is going on right now. The greatest gift you alone can give him. The gift of forgivness.
The preceeding may be way off base and if so please disregard. I have sat with my wife when she has faced uncertain health issues and this is how I felt.
I am praying for you
Mac
Gaile, just a quick note to say “thanks” for explaining the round of chemo to me. I just saw it today. I guess I had lots of rounds!
I enjoy your posts and ‘hearing’ your positive attitude through every one. Hang in there and keep in touch!