gaile's Cancer Blog
June 2, 2008
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Well here is a CELEBRATION! I was given an 18 month prognosis… 18 months ago. Well I am still here, so there!
I have been off of all treatment since the end of February. It has been an attempt by my doc to let me live my life somewhat normally for a few months. It has been great. I still sleep A LOT I could sleep about 20 hours a day if I let myself. My Fentanyl pain patches have been decreased three times. But… lately my pain is increasing and I am getting pretty nervous. I have a PET scan scheduled for June 17 to see what havoc the evil rogue cells have wreaked in my body while they have been left to their own devices. I see my doc on the 24th to get the news. Nerves…
My son is back from University of Hawaii with perfect grades including 2 A pluses while carrying 19 units. On September he leaves to study in Tokyo for 11 months. I worry so about not seeing him again. I told my oncologist I want to visit him in Japan next February when he is off of school. She said we will shoot for it. Now that is the kind of attitude I like!
My 19 year old daughter is turning out to have multiple mental problems. I am sure my condition isn’t helping, but these things have been going on for most of her life. We just haven’t been able to figure out what the problem is. She is very clever, manipulative, and stubborn so hides things well from her therapists, and me. Finally she is in a state that is no longer a secret. Her boyfriend, who I adore, is helping me to see the other side of her life, the one that only her friends see. It is answering so many questions and filling in the blank spots. I am praying I can convince her to see a psychiatrist. Her M.D. already told her he thinks she is bipolar. He put her on medication that seems to be making her worse. I tell you. She is so much like her father, who is still “hiding” his drinking, but is a little less high maintenance right now. As my mother always says, “If it rains, it pours”. No kidding.
I pray for the strength to help my family. I can’t imagine what will happen to my daughter without me. Her boyfriend has been trying to break up with her as she is such a drain on his life, but she is so unstable he is afraid to go. He can’t stay forever, and wouldn’t want him to. He has his life to enjoy. People keep telling me that my cancer is all about me. That I have to focus on healing and what I need. But I tell you, that makes no sense when you still have others that you care about who need you. At least I can’t spend all of my time wallowing in my own health problems. Life goes on…
Hope you are all finding strength and happiness in your lives. Gaile
08.22.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Dear Gaile; Now that you have surpassed a milestone, you must be thrilled and relieved that you have done this through your sheer determination to beat this thing we call “Cancer sucks”. Great going. I love to hear that you have kept up with your mini goals and maxi ones too. You should be admired for your strength, and also for your heart felt feelings for your kids, who also no doubt worry about you. I’m sure your daughter will be strong enough to cope but you are right, she should be under a Dr.’s care if she is indeed bipolar. With all the things that you have to worry about, including your husband, I think she should start to take some responsibility of her own life. Time for an honest chat with her. Good luck on your next test. We are all pulling for you. Weezie
I am so happy to hear you are beating your 18 month prognosis! Kick ass. Keep setting those goals. LIfe is freaking hard sometimes and you have just a ton happening right now. Just know we are all here for you and do the best you can. You are amazing!
Thank you both! Your support always means so much. And again, Jill, you are continuing to to make a difference in so many people’s lives.
Thank you for being as strong as you are. Thank you for sharing as much as you share. I read so much similarities in our writtings and priorites. I remember seeing your blissful carpe-diem photo when I originally signed into this web site. You physical confidence to smile the smile of life reassured me that I can keep trying. I am weak. I believe myself to be strong for others. But inside I am weak. You wrote to me about wishing it could be cut away, oh yes I understand all to well. But… it is all so individual. I am post-op recovery. Its unpleasant and wish not to complain about the army boot of an expander that is now surgically implanted within my chest where my breast once lived a joyful life. Your story is powerful. Your children are remarkable. The bipolar concern for your daughter I know that illness all to well. But that is another story. I know your daughter will find strength in her illness, but it takes time, and she wll be able to succeed in all that she does if she learns how to channel her manic phases.I am not a mental health nurse. I was a critcal care RN for over 15 years, went on to Quality Assurance/administration.I found my professional peace with Home Care. But now I sit at home unable to work. I am restless and sad and hopeful and without hope. I do not pray enough. I seek guidance and strength everyday. Today I allowed my family and my love interest to see me without a bra. I wore a tshirt that cannot be seen thru. But the imbalance is most evident. I feel mutant. I feel less. I feel proud. It is simply a difficult time for me.I have improved my tolerance and communication with my children. And I have learned much about the woman I want to be. Cancer has its place in this world, many may disagree. I hate this journey & I appreciate the lesson. I just wish it was not painful.
Gaile, I admire and respect you. I appreciate what your blogs are saying and I will always always respond to you. Thank you.
I will pray for your peace.I will try to be more like you.
Sincerely Shelly.