gaile's Cancer Blog
March 6, 2008
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Thank you so much, AGAIN for your support and comments. I feel though we are strangers in cyberspace, we are connected by our hearts. Jill, this site was a wonderfully giving idea. I hope you know how many lives you have touched and changed for the better. You are an angel here on earth connecting a bunch of other angels.
Today I got my PET scan results after finishing my most recent 6 cycles of chemo. I went in so miserable as my husband came with me and I had wanted to talk to my oncologist alone. Last night when I wrote my last post he had provided me with an evening of tears and fears. I hadn’t slept much and woke up very depressed.
Much of the results were good. My liver tumors are gone. My spinal tumor had not changed, it is still small. Then the rest… I have a new lung nodule, small, but definitely new. My lungs had been tumor free for almost a year, since my first chemo. I also have developed a tumor which showed up for the first time 2 months ago on my last PET scan. It is on the outside of my uterus. It is large and causes me pain. It doesn’t respond to the chemo I have been on. My doc says that I am not a surgical candidate for a hysterectomy because I have lung cancer. If that were my primary cancer and I didn’t have lung cancer, I would definitely have the surgery. I was so upset. I felt like that was my death sentence. My, “We’re so sorry but you are going to die anyway, so…” I started to cry. So my doc agreed to an MRI to diagnose what it is. It is believed to be another primary site and not related to the lung cancer. She (my doc) said that after we have the results, we can talk about it some more. I kept telling her that I am worried that if it is something important and we ignore it, what will happen. She just kept staring at me with sad eyes as if to say, you don’t get it do you? It won’t make a difference.
My husband walked out of there saying, wow, that was great news. Aren’t you relieved? He and I walk on different planets for sure. He says I am too negative and that he tries to look at the good stuff. He criticizes me for my fear, and acts superior because I look at the the negative. How does that help me? After we left my doc’s office, my husband went to take a business call on his cell phone. I was sitting waiting for my new appointments to be made when my doc walked by. She came over and put her hand on me and said, “It’s something else isn’t it? What else is going on?” I pointed toward my husband. She told me to call the counselor. And of course I will.
My daughter and I leave for Maui in a week, and I will see my son for the weekend while we are there. It will be his 21st birthday. No husband. And we will be staying with one of my favorite relatives. My former sister-in-law. She was married to one of my brothers 30 years ago, he died at 28 and they had a 3 year old son. She has remarried, but is still like a sister. She and her husband are wonderful. I can’t wait to go.
I have always been so up and positive. This depressed state is so new to me. I am on an antidepressant which has helped some. I would love to push this out of my head. No matter how busy I am, or what I am doing, “it” is always there. Are any of the rest of you able to push it out of your thoughts? My life is so upside down, not going to work anymore, much less money, medical bills and hassles with them, having to sell our home, losing lots of money on it, worry, worry about so much. My husband not taking on any more responsibility. I want a way to enjoy each day, to live in the moment, to appreciate what I have… I am confused as to why I can’t access these feelings. Anyone have any secrets? I am usually the one giving the advice, so this asking for help is new too. I do not want to be pathetic. I wanted to do this with such grace. I appreciate you all. I pray for all of us and our families. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I imagine I will be less whiney soon. Love to you all. Gaile
06.22.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Gail, for your sanity -trust your heart and remember they are not God. You are not whiney because you express your feelings. That is a gift that not everyone has. It does sometimes feel like they are saying, in fact they said it to me “your going to die anyway” but miracles happen everyday. Just keep Hawaii and the positive life you expect in your thoughts and you know we are praying for you constantly. They can’t sentence you to death, remember always they work for you. Love, sharron
So glad you are going to hawaii to get away! And I hope you take the nurses suggestion and see a counselor. They might have some good advice for you. I remember wanting to see a counselor when I was going through my treatment but couldn’t afford it, plus it just seemed like one more thing to put on the to-do list. Make sure you put yourself first! Do what ever you need to do to get through this.
Just sending a lot of Love.
Sherri
So glad you are going to get away for a while. That will be very good for you. You whine all you want to. That is why we are here….to listen and help support you in any way we can. Don’t let anyone tell you they know you are going to die. NO ONE KNOWS THAT FOR SURE BUT THE GOOD LORD ABOVE….MIRACLES HAPPEN EVERY DAY. My love and my prayers are always with you. Love and hugs, Joyce